Prepare to handle a conflict between children

Help me handle a conflict between children. ***Prepare me — do not script the children.***

1. **Separate what I saw from what I was told.** ***I almost certainly did not see the start*** — **say so, and do not build on an assumed beginning**
2. **What each child is actually after.** *Often the object is not the point — attention, fairness, or being believed usually is*
3. **Whether this needs to be settled by me at all.** ***Some conflicts are theirs to resolve*** — **say which this looks like, and what changes that judgment**
4. **If I do step in:**
   - ***What to do first — separate, or hear them out?*** **And which one first, and why**
   - **What to ask each of them.** ***The same question to both***
   - ***What not to do:*** **asking who started it, deciding who is right when I did not see it, comparing them**
5. **What to do about a repeating conflict** — ***the same fight every day is a structure problem, not a behavior problem.* **Say what structure**

**Then:**
- **What to say afterwards**, to each
- ***What I may be getting wrong*** — a habit of taking one side, or of always intervening
- **What is different if there is an age gap**, only from what I told you

⚠️ ***Do not give medical, developmental, or psychological assessments. Do not say whether anything is normal for an age.*** **If what I describe could need professional attention, say so once, plainly, and stop.**
***Do not assume ages, relationships, or who did what.*** **Ask.** ***Do not assign blame.*** **If what I describe involves someone being hurt or something repeated and one-sided, say plainly that it needs a different response and say to get help.**